If you haven't noticed, the blog has been taken over by all things baby. Because that's very much this season of life for the Hills. From preparation to anticipation, husband and I have this babe of ours on the mind just about always. Another thing that creeps into my mind often is our first pregnancy and the miscarriage that resulted. Our first experience with pregnancy ended in a very different way than we ever imagined, but through it we so tangibly experienced the overwhelming love and faithfulness of the Lord.
In more ways than one, this pregnancy feels so very different than the first. However, this pregnancy wouldn't be what it is without having walked through the valley first. As with most things, when you have had a bad experience first, it's hard not to have trepidation in a second chance. After miscarrying our first baby, I worried about becoming pregnant again. Would it happen or was there something wrong with me? Would we become pregnant soon again or would a long stretch of time pass first? And if we did become pregnant, would we endure another miscarriage? These questions swirled around me, but with every fear and anxiety I tried to give it to God instead of letting it consume me. He knew what I could and couldn't carry after losing our baby, and He carried what I could not. The Lord guided us through one of the hardest parts of our life, sending our community to rally around us and love us well, encouraging us through worship songs, and giving us joy in a difficult time.
Walking with the Lord so closely through the miscarriage completely shaped how we walk through this pregnancy. We trust in His sovereignty over our lives and the baby's. That makes all the difference in the peace we feel rather than the fear that could so easily grip us. And while we do feel so hopeful in this pregnancy and we know that God's got this (He always has), there are still moments where I fear the worst. How could I not after experiencing a miscarriage?! It's a natural response, and one that I don't beat myself up over. I share my worries with husband, with family, and with friends. Allowing myself to be vulnerable and express my fears out loud always brings me back to the Truth as I process through my feelings.
I've found so much grace over the last six months, and because of it I don't feel scared when it comes to carrying a baby to term. Becoming pregnant again was such an unexpected surprise to both husband and I. We didn't plan it and weren't trying. That speaks volumes to the faithfulness the Lord showed us. In knowing the depths of our hearts and the burdens we simply couldn't handle, God gave us one of our biggest blessings...the opportunity to become parents again and so soon after feeling as if parenthood was nowhere in sight. He gave us another opportunity of having a baby, wiping away every single question that first went through my head. And I can't wait to share with our sweet babe just how much of a testament to the Lord's love and goodness, an answer to prayer, he/she is.
As I approach the second trimester on Saturday, I feel a huge weight lifting. We've made it. My sweet babe is growing and thriving. Husband and I are getting to experience pregnancy in all its glory, even the horrible symptoms, which I welcome even if I do despise the nausea. I know that the thought of losing this baby will not escape me entirely. There will be days when I worry about every little thing...is my belly growing like it should? Is there still a heartbeat? Why haven't I felt the baby move? You name it, I could worry forever about it. But, that's where my big and awesome God comes in. He reassures me, giving me the peace of His plan in my life. This time around everything feels right. It feels good. And it feels like God's got everything under control.
Experiencing a healthy pregnancy after one that ended far too soon has given me a new-found appreciation for the miracle that is a baby. I don't take any of this season of life for granted....from the mood swings, food aversions, and sickness to decorating a nursery and planning for a gender reveal party...I am soaking it all in. This incredible gift was given to me, and I don't want to take a single thing for granted. Pregnancy after miscarriage can be a scary thing, but it doesn't have to be. Although there will be times of worry and doubt with every joyous milestone, I rest assured in knowing that God's will for my life is being carried out.
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