Last night, as I was searching my brain for what I do best in life, I came up empty handed on what exactly my purpose is in this world. I write, I love, I daydream, I worry, I surround myself with family, I make lists, I decorate, I craft, I drink coffee....the list goes on, but still what facet of my life am I truly supposed to excel at?
Frustration overcame me and instead of thinking clearly, I let myself wade into my own pity pool. And you know once you find yourself there that it's more comfortable to stay put, instead of pull yourself out, dry off, and move on. I sat on the couch for at least an hour, more or less pouting about what I am doing with my life. Eventually, I got up (still drowning in pity no less) and retired to bed and took along a book that I have severely lacked in reading.
The book I'm talking about is one that I stumbled across by chance when I caught one of my very close friends reading it over this past summer (you know who you are!). She passed along the desire and interest for me to read it after sharing its storyline. Turns out, it was the perfect book for me to affiliate with some of the strongest and most amazing women of the bible, as I was finding my way with my faith. Taking in every word in A Lineage of Grace (by Francine Rivers) is like having a storyteller for the books in the Bible. It's a fresh way to look at the lives of these courageous women. And not only that, but it's so easy to find a connection with each woman as she overcomes and pushes through, still holding onto faith first and foremost.
The book quickly turned into a favorite, but with the chaos of graduation, moving, and surgery, I let the book go to the wayside, where it sat and collected dust until a little under 24 hours ago. For some reason last night there was a pull for me to dig the book out of the bag it has patiently been sitting in for the past two months. I took it up to bed with me and after taking a minute or two to find where I had left off, I delved right back in like I had never stopped reading.
Around 11:30 I finished reading about Rahab. Following her story is a "Seek and Find" section that proves to be a very beneficial aspect of this book as it gives you the means to go into your Bible and discover for yourself. It also serves as an excellent way to reflect on your own life. I was getting tired at this point, but found myself curious about what I would find in these pages. And that's when I came across a particular verse transcribed from the book of James:
If you need wisdom--if you want to know what God wants you to do -- ask him, and he will gladly tell you. He will not resent your asking. But when you ask him, be sure that you really expect him to answer, for a doubtful mind is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. People like that should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. They can't make up their minds. They waver back and forth in everything they do. James 1:5-8
This was why I had picked up the book, because He wanted me to. I immediately felt my heart humble itself and thought about they ways in which I pray. As a human I find myself sometimes doubting an answer will come and don't pray with much certainty or worse don't pray at all. Reading this passage was like a wakeup call for me. The first place I should turn to is my Savior when my world is feeling unpredictable and upside down. I realized that my frustration of feeling unsure about my purpose in life isn't something that I will solve on my own. No, instead I should be consulting a much bigger and higher power than myself. Because even when I dwell on my failures and insecurities, He still sees me as perfect. So before bed I said a very long prayer, one that tingled from the bottom of my toes to the ends of my hair. Last night was the first time I felt myself praying with a strong conviction and knowing I would have an answer in His timing.
The LORD's timing came this morning in the form of an email...my blog has officially been accepted for its first advertisements and while this seems so little, it was so BIG to me. My prayers had been answered just like I knew they would be. And after such grace and reassurance I feel a little closer to knowing an aspect of my purpose in this life on earth. Just maybe I'm meant to be a blogger that can share and connect with each and every one of my readers. Just maybe my blog will be read by thousands one day. Just maybe this post will help one of you and that is my purpose for today. My heart is not only humbled, but extremely full. Glory be to God!
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